So yeah. I've signed up for vox. Mainly to keep in touch with family. I wanted to be able to comment on my cousin's blog. Thats about it really.
But now that I've signed up, I realise that I'd probably have wanted another blog anyways. I'm happy with my current journal, but I need something away from it all. Just that little bit detached from my day-to-day comings and goings so that I can't write more freely. So here it is.
I'm feeling apathetic as of late. Or maybe not. I'm lonely. And I miss something that isn't there really. I'm yearning for a present which couldn't exist and reminiscing on a past gone too soon. I miss home and I miss the friends at home. I miss the little nothings that make each day that bit more bearable.
What do I miss?
I miss rainy days in the car park at school, the traffic clogged up 'til the cars can't move. And I'd just sit with my friends. It wouldn't matter what we talked about, or even whether we talked at all. What we did was we were together. And that was all that mattered.
And I miss the lunch table. I miss half of our table being Japanese and Korean. And us. The other half. From everywhere and nowhere in particular. And screaming when someone at the other end of the canteen starts singing "Happy Birthday" to someone, and joining in loudly. We scared the juniors, didn't we?
And I miss the times in class. Talking while the teachers dozed or daydreamed over papers they should have marked the night before.
I don't have that here. Or at least, it's not he same thing.
The people made High School the best time in my life. Really. And now I'm here, and the people are great - really nice and all. But they're not my people. You can't talk the same way to people you've known for 6 months instead of 6 years. Some of my friends back at home, I've known them for longer.
But I realise that no matter what, I can't go back. And even then, back at home there was nothing for me. The people at school decided not to offer the subjects I wanted. I'd only have prolonged the parting with friends anyway, says mum. But sometimes you don't care. Or don't feel like you care.
When you know the sun is shining and everyone's together back at home. And here the sun has set, and you're alone. The fresh chill of winter in the ear, and the heater making rattling sounds. Suffocating you.
So yeah. I need this space. Just this bit of space. to air my thoughts. Away from where they can see. But where everyone can see.
on Let me be me.